the night sky

At a party, a girl and a boy were in the backyard talking. The girl told him about her secret ambition... and how she was scared that she would never be good enough for to make it to the top. He said to her, "look up there" and pointed to the sky. She looked. He said "do you see anyone up there?" she said "no, of course not". He was quiet till she looked back at him, and he said "so whos above you?"

"no one" the girl said.
"thats right" he said, "no one is above you".

its not me, its YOU. (a depressed moment)

I keep waiting for that moment... when tears well up in my eyes, and slowly start to fall down my face... because I know when a single tear escapes, when one small hole is made in the wall holding in all these emotions, the pressure will become too much for the small hole, and the entire thing will collapse.... I will collapse. Ill fall to the ground and let this all out. Cry it all out. Bawl till I have no more tears left. Sob uncontrollably till I fall asleep, or can no longer breathe, whichever comes first.

And, For once in my life, I want that.... because I really can't hold this in any longer. I am not strong enough fix it, have no shoulder to cry on... no outlet at all. An emotional break down, however, would suffice... and I would be free. Free of my ever-growing pile of sadness, frustation, pain, hatred... that I have tried so hard to supress. I've always said, holding things in never works because eventually you will implode. And I will admit, I didn't take my own advice... not in the slightest.

But that's not even the worst part. The truely shitty part of my problem is that I CAN'T IMPLODE. It would be a relief to me right now. But no, for the first time, I'm not holding back the tears. I'm HOPING for them. But, My cheeks are dry, my eyes clear. I have gone past the point when crying is easy. I held my tears in for too long, and now all that's left of me is anger. I am too sad to cry, too hurt to have a break down.

All I am capable of is anger. All I can do is hate. Hate my life, hate my surroundings, hate my situation... hate what I've become, and hate every single decision I've made in the past four years to lead me to this point.

But I don't cry.

I pace back and fourth, push my fingers deep into my eyes... and wonder. Wonder how. How did this happen to me? How did I let it get this far? How did I not stop this when it started? How? How, in the firey depths of hell, did I accept that this was all my life would ever be?



And .....how am I even the least bit suprised?