rock bottom

i swore id never get like this
i knew it never reach this point
i was sure id always keep my head on straight,
keep my priorities straight
keep my feelings straight

i never thought id fall, cause thats just not the person i am.
but i fell, and it hurt more than i ever could have imagined.

i guess ive been headed down hill for weeks, but i hit rock bottom just a few nights ago, and its just one of those things no one could understand until it happens to them.


i never thought my body could even live through so much pain.
i am shocked and surprised at what i put myself through. ive been through hell and back.

but thats the thing about rock bottom. there are so many things you can never understand or will never realize until you hit there. the good part is, when you hit the ground that hard, the only place left to go is up.

but this is a very steep mountain, with rocks and cliffs the whole way
and up is much harder then down.
im headed up, but im crawling.
my knees and elbows are bloody, my body is bruised and weak, my heart aches... but im moving.


with every single step up, there is more and more temptation to just let go...and slide back down.
back down to my dark little hole.

i didnt get here alone, but now am left alone. despite promise after promise, the others that fell with me, left me. they are also crawling up this hill, but choosing to do it alone. it hurts me. very very badly. it hurts that those who were supposed to be right there with me, now not only dont want help me get out of here, but wont even accept help from me. and i want to help.

the uphill climb would be so much easier as a team. ill lift you, then you lift me. we can do this together. but still, even when i stretch out to grab their hand and bring them higher, they dont want my help. and that kills me.



but... i can hear voices calling to me from the top... letting me know they care, telling me they want me to be happy, and that they cant wait till i get out of this hell whole. wishing me the best. telling me they love me, and that despite how dark and cold it feels down here, i am not alone.

and that is what keeps me crawling.
soon, ill be able to walk.





im sure half the people who read this will be completely clueless, because even some of my closest friends know nothing about what ive been going through. not because they arent good friends, but because i kept my stuggles hidden. but i wrote this blog because i want to thank those "voices" calling me from the top.timothy, bryan, jessica, sam, mom, dad, brothers.... you are the reason i keep going. you are the reason i dont feel entirely alone, and you are the reason every single painful step is worth it.



ive been at my worst and no matter how bad it hurts, i will get to the top of this mountain.