take a hike.

I went on a hike up Adams canyon today with bree, breanne, and cam (in the photo). Taking a hike turned out to be a very good decision. What a beautiful day. My spirits were lifted exponentially.

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.

Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.

The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy,

while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. ~John Muir

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

I think i am going to start reading the twilight books again.

ironic order of tv programs...

So I'm laying in bed watching TV because I cant sleep.

I see that one of my favorite shows, "I Shouldn't Be Alive" is starting in ten minutes. So I click on that channel and before my show starts I catch the tail end of a program called "Bear Whisperer"... a show about bear management in Mammoth Lakes. It ends with the wildlife specialist guy saying bears will "live and let live" and they haven't had to kill a bear for public safety in that area for over 12 years. How precious.

Then my show starts. For those of you who don't know, "I Shouldn't Be Alive" reenacts true stories about people who should have died but somehow live to tell the tale, while the real person describes there near death experience on camera in their own words. Its utterly fascinating. The story tonight? A man ripped to shreds in a violent Grizzly Bear attack.

How ironic!

three quotes.

"You can only be young once... but you can be immature forever."

"Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it."

:)

Dear God,

So far today, I've done OK. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I havent been greedy, crabby, nasty, bitchy, selfish, or overindulgent. And I'm very greatful for that.

But Lord, in a few minutes im gonna get out of bed, and then I'm probably gonna need a lot more help.

Amen.

stages

this came from a book. i think its amazing.

stage 1

i walk down the street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i fall in. i am lost. i am helpless. it isn't my fault. it takes forever to find a way out.

stage 2

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i pretend i don't see it. i fall in again. i can't believe i am in the same place. but it isn't my fault. it still takes a long time to get out.

stage 3

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i see it is there. i fall in. it's a habit. but my eyes are open. i know where i am. it is my fault. i get out immediately.

stage 4

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i walk around it.

stage 5

i walk down a different street.

good movie.

a man was drowning in the middle of an ocean.

a ship came by and asked him if he needed help

he said "no thank you, god will save me"

the ship left and he continued to swim till another ship came by

"do you need any help?" they asked

the man said "no thank you, god will save me"

so the ship left.

then man eventually ran out of energy and drowned.

when he got to heaven he asked:

"God, why didnt you save me?"

God said "I sent you two big ships ya dummy!"

Marilyn Monroe = genius.

i believe everything happens for a reason.

people change so you can learn to let go

things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right

you believe lies so you'll actually learn to trust no one but yourself

and sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

Waking Up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

stephenie meyer

page 93, book 2

how much is enough?

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

rock bottom

i swore id never get like this
i knew it never reach this point
i was sure id always keep my head on straight,
keep my priorities straight
keep my feelings straight

i never thought id fall, cause thats just not the person i am.
but i fell, and it hurt more than i ever could have imagined.

i guess ive been headed down hill for weeks, but i hit rock bottom just a few nights ago, and its just one of those things no one could understand until it happens to them.


i never thought my body could even live through so much pain.
i am shocked and surprised at what i put myself through. ive been through hell and back.

but thats the thing about rock bottom. there are so many things you can never understand or will never realize until you hit there. the good part is, when you hit the ground that hard, the only place left to go is up.

but this is a very steep mountain, with rocks and cliffs the whole way
and up is much harder then down.
im headed up, but im crawling.
my knees and elbows are bloody, my body is bruised and weak, my heart aches... but im moving.


with every single step up, there is more and more temptation to just let go...and slide back down.
back down to my dark little hole.

i didnt get here alone, but now am left alone. despite promise after promise, the others that fell with me, left me. they are also crawling up this hill, but choosing to do it alone. it hurts me. very very badly. it hurts that those who were supposed to be right there with me, now not only dont want help me get out of here, but wont even accept help from me. and i want to help.

the uphill climb would be so much easier as a team. ill lift you, then you lift me. we can do this together. but still, even when i stretch out to grab their hand and bring them higher, they dont want my help. and that kills me.



but... i can hear voices calling to me from the top... letting me know they care, telling me they want me to be happy, and that they cant wait till i get out of this hell whole. wishing me the best. telling me they love me, and that despite how dark and cold it feels down here, i am not alone.

and that is what keeps me crawling.
soon, ill be able to walk.





im sure half the people who read this will be completely clueless, because even some of my closest friends know nothing about what ive been going through. not because they arent good friends, but because i kept my stuggles hidden. but i wrote this blog because i want to thank those "voices" calling me from the top.timothy, bryan, jessica, sam, mom, dad, brothers.... you are the reason i keep going. you are the reason i dont feel entirely alone, and you are the reason every single painful step is worth it.



ive been at my worst and no matter how bad it hurts, i will get to the top of this mountain.

my opinion on dating

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested but I'm not really interested, or should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested, but do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like, well goodnight. You do like that ass-out hug where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close. Do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering, are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

---Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey, in Wedding Crashers

that is some funny shit.

things im thankful for... today

the twilight series, my dearest edward cullen
the civic my parents let me drive
finding an old friend on myspace
diet soda & snapp capps
my mini-mansion (thats how i see it anyway)
dollar stores
jarrin, timmy, jen, & james, who made work today less boring.
people who let me know they love me... even if only with the help of alcohol
my puppy dog, kiri
my sidekick [=
15 minute power naps
being inspired
having today off of work
My brother, Devin Gardner, and the fact that he is still alive... and how much my eyes have been opened.

the night sky

At a party, a girl and a boy were in the backyard talking. The girl told him about her secret ambition... and how she was scared that she would never be good enough for to make it to the top. He said to her, "look up there" and pointed to the sky. She looked. He said "do you see anyone up there?" she said "no, of course not". He was quiet till she looked back at him, and he said "so whos above you?"

"no one" the girl said.
"thats right" he said, "no one is above you".

its not me, its YOU. (a depressed moment)

I keep waiting for that moment... when tears well up in my eyes, and slowly start to fall down my face... because I know when a single tear escapes, when one small hole is made in the wall holding in all these emotions, the pressure will become too much for the small hole, and the entire thing will collapse.... I will collapse. Ill fall to the ground and let this all out. Cry it all out. Bawl till I have no more tears left. Sob uncontrollably till I fall asleep, or can no longer breathe, whichever comes first.

And, For once in my life, I want that.... because I really can't hold this in any longer. I am not strong enough fix it, have no shoulder to cry on... no outlet at all. An emotional break down, however, would suffice... and I would be free. Free of my ever-growing pile of sadness, frustation, pain, hatred... that I have tried so hard to supress. I've always said, holding things in never works because eventually you will implode. And I will admit, I didn't take my own advice... not in the slightest.

But that's not even the worst part. The truely shitty part of my problem is that I CAN'T IMPLODE. It would be a relief to me right now. But no, for the first time, I'm not holding back the tears. I'm HOPING for them. But, My cheeks are dry, my eyes clear. I have gone past the point when crying is easy. I held my tears in for too long, and now all that's left of me is anger. I am too sad to cry, too hurt to have a break down.

All I am capable of is anger. All I can do is hate. Hate my life, hate my surroundings, hate my situation... hate what I've become, and hate every single decision I've made in the past four years to lead me to this point.

But I don't cry.

I pace back and fourth, push my fingers deep into my eyes... and wonder. Wonder how. How did this happen to me? How did I let it get this far? How did I not stop this when it started? How? How, in the firey depths of hell, did I accept that this was all my life would ever be?



And .....how am I even the least bit suprised?

hypocrisy in society

I dont want to say how i came across this.. i didnt write it.
I just want to repost it cause its very true/interesting...

"As I write this I am watching a commercial for Bally Total Fitness. Men and women pinching their bodies (which, though not overly thin, are normal and natural) and complaining about how unattractive they are. How their lives aren't fabulous because their bodies aren't perfect.

A few weeks ago, I was watching an episode of the Tyra Banks Show (don't laugh, it's a good show!) on anorexia and bulimia. Tyra brought on Reba star Scarlett Pomers, who has recently undergone treatment for eating disorders; she brought on several sufferers and offered them help; she was actually rather insightful and provacative. But I almost stopped watching during the first commercial break, which featured no less than 4 advertisements for diet pills and programs like Weight Watchers.

I see these commercials every day. Fitness clubs, diet pills, diet books, diet foods. Diet society. I see teen and adult fashion magazines, skinny models with beaming Photoshop smiles... and no food in sight... "tone your tummy" and "fit for summer / school / spring break" articles.

Now, I know that the creators of these products aren't directly encouraging eating disorders. However, it seems that dieting and hating your body have become the new norm. We are selling ourselves a thin-obsessed society, buying it at the cost of our lives and sanity. In cultures that embrace body acceptance, where a little extra weight is considered beautiful, desirable, and a sign of prosperity, eating disorders are practically unknown.

However, growing up in this society, I picked up my first issue of Seventeen at age 12 and promptly started working out. It felt like I had to, that I was the only one who wasn't working on her body and getting "hot and in shape." I started drinking SlimFast in 7th grade. A 7th-grader shouldn't even know what SlimFast is, but since they were advertising during my afternoon cartoons, I thought it was normal. Whiten your smile, lose that tummy, tone those thighs, smile bigger, wear these shoes... just be perfect and you'll be happy.

If society is so concerned about the growing number of eating disorder sufferers, then maybe (just maybe) it should turn the mirror on itself and take some responsibility. I never see advertisements for being happy with yourself; I never see normal-sized girls modeling in magazines, girls who aren't 5'11 and 105 lbs; I never see anything that encourages young girls and boys to learn how to have a healthy, natural body. All I see is the star-of-the-moment flauting her skeletal arms on the covers of every magazine being praise for her "new, slimmer look!"

Sure, praise celebrities for losing weight (and looking like Holocaust survivors). Cram models down our throats. Sell us new Diet Coke with Splenda and "new improved" Hydroxycut. Tell us that we won't be happy 'til we're skinny. But don't be so shocked that people like me learn to hate ourselves so much that we'd rather be dead than have one drop of fat on our bodies. Don't be so surprised that...

47% of 6-year-old girls said they wanted to be slimmer, because it would make them more popular.
[Dohnt, Hayley K.; Tiggemann, Marika. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, Volume 23, Number 1, March 2005, pp. 103-116(14). British Psychological Society]

Eating disorders are now the third most common chronic illness in adolescent girls.
[Adolescent Medicine Committee, Canadian Paediatric Society. Eating Disorders in adolescents: principles of diagnosis and treatment. Paediatrics and Child Health 1998; 3(3) 189-92. Reaffirmed January 2001.]

37% of Canadian females age 11, 42% of Canadian females age 13 and 48% of Canadian females age 15 say they need to lose weight.
[Health and Welfare Canada. The health of Canada's youth, views and behaviours of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds from 11 countries. (1992). Anonymous. Ottawa ON: Minister of Supply and Services. H39-239/1993.]

81% of 10-year-olds restrict eating (diet). At least 46% of 9-year-olds restricted eating.
[Mellin, Scully and Irwin, Paper presented at American Dietetic Assoc. Annual Meeting, October 1986. (Berkley study) ]

52% of girls begin dieting before age 14.
[Johnson, et al, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 1984, 13.]

71% of adolescent girls want to be thinner despite only a small proportion being over a healthy weight.
[Paxton et al (1991). Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 20, 361-379.]

The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents.
[Lisa Berzins, Dying to be thin: the prevention of eating disorders and the role of federal policy. APA co-sponsored congressional briefing. USA. 11/1997. ]

Health Canada found that almost one in every two girls and almost one in every five boys of grade 10 either were on a diet or wanted to lose weight.
[Trends in the Health of Canadian Youth. A report based on the data collected through the 1989/90, 1993/94 and 1997/98 survey cycles for the World Health Organization Cross-National Collaborative Study: Health Behaviours in School-Age Children (HBSC). The trend comparisons report on data collected from among 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds in Canada. This report includes data from a selection of other countries as well as data from grade 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 students in Canada. The report can be found at the following website: http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/dca-dea/7-18yrs-ans/index_e.html]

A survey of parents found that one in 10 would abort a child if they knew it had a genetic tendency to be fat.
[Fraser, Laura. (1997). Losing it: America's obsession with weight and the industry that feeds on it. Dutton Press. New York.]

70% of women are dieting and 40% are continually gaining and losing weight.
[A report on the behaviour and attitudes of Canadians with respect to weight consciousness and weight control. The Canadian Gallup Poll, Ltd. June 1984.]

80%-90% of women dislike the size and shape of their bodies.
[Hutchison, Marcia. (1985). Transforming Body Image. The Crossing Press, New York.]

Glamour magazine's 1983 Body Image survey showed that 76% of correspondents considered themselves "too fat", including 45% of those classified underweight according to 1959 weight tables.
[Wooley, S.C. & Wooley, O.W. (1985). Intensive outpatient and residential treatment for bulimia. In Handbook for Psychotherapy for Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia., eds. Garner, D.M. & Garfinkel, P.E. The Guilford Press, New York. p. 392.]

Of women between the ages of 24 and 54 who diet, 76% diet for cosmetic rather than health reasons.
[Thompson, D.M., et al. (1985). Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia: The Socio-cultural Context. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 1 (3), 20-36.]"

a spoonful of sarcasm

i've

never

felt

so

alone.

i

cant

imagine

trying

to

go

on

with

my

life.

i

feel

like

part

of

me

is

gone.

something

is

missing...

i

have

a

hole

inside

of

me

that

nothing

else

could

ever

fill.

my

beautiful

pink

cell

phone

is

lost.

please

come

back

to

me.