stages

this came from a book. i think its amazing.

stage 1

i walk down the street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i fall in. i am lost. i am helpless. it isn't my fault. it takes forever to find a way out.

stage 2

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i pretend i don't see it. i fall in again. i can't believe i am in the same place. but it isn't my fault. it still takes a long time to get out.

stage 3

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i see it is there. i fall in. it's a habit. but my eyes are open. i know where i am. it is my fault. i get out immediately.

stage 4

i walk down the same street. there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i walk around it.

stage 5

i walk down a different street.

good movie.

a man was drowning in the middle of an ocean.

a ship came by and asked him if he needed help

he said "no thank you, god will save me"

the ship left and he continued to swim till another ship came by

"do you need any help?" they asked

the man said "no thank you, god will save me"

so the ship left.

then man eventually ran out of energy and drowned.

when he got to heaven he asked:

"God, why didnt you save me?"

God said "I sent you two big ships ya dummy!"

Marilyn Monroe = genius.

i believe everything happens for a reason.

people change so you can learn to let go

things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right

you believe lies so you'll actually learn to trust no one but yourself

and sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

Waking Up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

stephenie meyer

page 93, book 2

how much is enough?

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

rock bottom

i swore id never get like this
i knew it never reach this point
i was sure id always keep my head on straight,
keep my priorities straight
keep my feelings straight

i never thought id fall, cause thats just not the person i am.
but i fell, and it hurt more than i ever could have imagined.

i guess ive been headed down hill for weeks, but i hit rock bottom just a few nights ago, and its just one of those things no one could understand until it happens to them.


i never thought my body could even live through so much pain.
i am shocked and surprised at what i put myself through. ive been through hell and back.

but thats the thing about rock bottom. there are so many things you can never understand or will never realize until you hit there. the good part is, when you hit the ground that hard, the only place left to go is up.

but this is a very steep mountain, with rocks and cliffs the whole way
and up is much harder then down.
im headed up, but im crawling.
my knees and elbows are bloody, my body is bruised and weak, my heart aches... but im moving.


with every single step up, there is more and more temptation to just let go...and slide back down.
back down to my dark little hole.

i didnt get here alone, but now am left alone. despite promise after promise, the others that fell with me, left me. they are also crawling up this hill, but choosing to do it alone. it hurts me. very very badly. it hurts that those who were supposed to be right there with me, now not only dont want help me get out of here, but wont even accept help from me. and i want to help.

the uphill climb would be so much easier as a team. ill lift you, then you lift me. we can do this together. but still, even when i stretch out to grab their hand and bring them higher, they dont want my help. and that kills me.



but... i can hear voices calling to me from the top... letting me know they care, telling me they want me to be happy, and that they cant wait till i get out of this hell whole. wishing me the best. telling me they love me, and that despite how dark and cold it feels down here, i am not alone.

and that is what keeps me crawling.
soon, ill be able to walk.





im sure half the people who read this will be completely clueless, because even some of my closest friends know nothing about what ive been going through. not because they arent good friends, but because i kept my stuggles hidden. but i wrote this blog because i want to thank those "voices" calling me from the top.timothy, bryan, jessica, sam, mom, dad, brothers.... you are the reason i keep going. you are the reason i dont feel entirely alone, and you are the reason every single painful step is worth it.



ive been at my worst and no matter how bad it hurts, i will get to the top of this mountain.